Sunday phone calls from each of my parents are normally no big deal. But today, Dad called wanting to know when he could help me buy a new car. This is a conversation that I've been dreading for a long while.
My parents, brothers, family and friends don't know how bad my credit is. A discussion about credit scores is not a normal topic of conversation. It could be one of our last taboo subjects, and maybe it needs to come out of the shadows and into the light. But just not by me....right now.
Dad wants to come down and test drive Ford cars with me, and then he wants to help with a down payment. In all honesty, I don't think that my local Ford dealership will honor a deal with me. My credit isn't good enough, or at least that's what I assume. I've got late payments, a student loan that has been in default, but is about to come out of default next month, and still a lot of unsecured debt to pay off.
I'm just not ready to have all of that dirty laundry come out in the open.
Dad is a self made man, wealthy, comfortable, and above all, judgmental. He will judge me. He will ask uncomfortable questions. He will say, "how did you get yourself into this mess?" and I won't have a very good answer. It took me a lot of years to get into my debt, and it will take me a lot of time to get out of it.
Unfortunately, my dad and I aren't emotionally close enough for me to share my deepest pain with. We just don't work that way. I don't always feel like my feelings are safe with him and I don't know why. It's that judgmental thing again.
I don't exactly know how to handle all of this. I need a newer (not new new) car, but his help with a down payment could really save me a few thousand dollars. I want a Chevy Cruze but he will only spring for a Ford car. I wouldn't mind talking about a car loan from a loan specialist that deals with sub prime credit, but my dad wouldn't hear of it. I'm stuck.
I want so badly to be free of this torture and just come clean, but it's too risky. Maybe I'll have a revelation in a day or so. Until then, I'll just continue to plan for the upcoming school year and look forward to more of the last episodes of Breaking Bad, my escape mechanism.
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