I was awakened this morning at 4:00am by the crashing sound of a truck being loaded with...whatever, I have no idea. Crash, beep, beep, crash. What were they doing so early that couldn't wait until dawn? Have no idea if the sound was coming from up the street or down the street, but at this hour, the sound was unwelcome. It gave me the eery assumption that maybe a neighbor's car was being repossessed, or maybe the roofing materials left outside at the Simpson's home were being lifted. It gave me a sick, sinking feeling in my gut. The feeling that reminds me that we are all vulnerable, that things that normally provide us with a sense of security can just be taken if we're not using all of our senses to protect them. Weird.
What made matters worse for me at this early hour was the cold, fall air creeping in from a bedroom window left open a crack overnight. I reached for my comforter to cover my bare shoulders, and then pet the dog that was snuggling closer to me. Feeling that physical reminder that fall was in the air was not a comforting thought this time. And then a rush of worry came over me. I felt panicky that although yesterday I was practically giddy with pride that I had survived yet another payment schedule and today was payday, the good feeling would be fleeting. Today, I must pay bills online and over the phone, calculate what is exactly left, and then figure out how I would manage my money for the next 13 days.
As I lay there in bed, I felt my insides crush as if someone had just kicked me. That familiar sinking feeling that the next, unavoidable back to school shopping session would make me feel broke like it did last year. I will have to say "no" to certain items, and I will inevitably share the sinking "poor" feeling with my kids. I hate it when I have to reiterate to them our "situation", that it's "temporary", and remind them for the umpteenth time that "we're a lucky family because Mommy has a job and we can pay our bills for the things that we need." I've told my kids over and over, ad nauseum, that we should be grateful that we can afford the things we "need", just not always the things we want.
I am tired of myself saying those things. After this year of really looking at my spending, I want to be better able to buy comforts that my kids and I want, too. I want to will that day to come. I can be patient, I can wait. I just need to feel some hope that it will come eventually. I want this sick feeling to go away as fast as it came.
I didn't fall back asleep when the truck sounds stopped. Instead, I got up with the dog, poured him some kibble and fresh water, then took out my laptop and my budget and went to work. I paid the phone bill, electric and gas, one credit card, and my son's last dental bill with my HSA account. Then, I began to write this blog post as a means to find solace in just writing out my feelings.
I have two more weeks of summer break until I will have to begin my next teaching year. I never dread this time for the reasons that others may imagine, but I do wish that I had more relaxing, ruminating time before I am back on that fast paced, working mom treadmill again.
Now that I've written a little bit this morning, that yucky feeling has simmered down a bit, but it hasn't gone away completely. I'll feel better, but I don't know when. Maybe in a couple of hours when I've had my caffeine, maybe in a day or two. Either way, my goal for today is to open up my awareness of little things that bring me comfort and gratitude and to share that gratitude with another person, friend or family member. I want to feel that in the midst of doubt that I'll have enough money these next couple of weeks, I still have reasons to feel happy, glad, content, satisfied, but mostly lucky. The reasons are there, I know that they are. It's just too dark to see at the present moment.
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