36/329: Late bloomer I guess

Better late than never, I guess.

I just read James Molet's post about being fiscally fit in one's 20s, 30s, and 40s. I'm in my 40s now, but I'm reducing debt and trying to establish an emergency fund like a younger person. I'm at least one decade behind, if not more, but I'm gonna plug away no matter what.

With that in mind, it will be my responsibility to impart good money habits with my own kids before they enter into adulthood. Lesson learned.

Change of subject.

It's early morning, and I'm having my coffee and thinking about what I'll do in my classroom today to prepare for the students next week. I teach high school. I'm nervous because I will be teaching two new classes (preps) plus a handful of independent study kids. They're all "high flyers", which is good, but the downside is that they will expect me to be all knowing and fully prepared every day. I expect that of myself, too. It's just not gonna happen until I've gone through an entire year of trials, successes, and missteps. It's just the way it goes.

On a related note, it occurred to me this morning as I logged on to my computer how I've grown just a tiny bit with my own fiscal journey. Before writing this and reading James' post, I did something that would seem unthinkable two months ago. I checked my online checking account AND my accounts for both telephone and energy bills. What? I know. Good, right?

My checking account remains spot on and at the exact balance I expect it to be in. Shockingly, I have a credit, a CREDIT in both of the other bills. What? I overpaid my phone and electric? For a surprise, I guess that's a good surprise, but I'm even a bit baffled by it. But I'm not going to argue.

I am still reeling from my checking account taking an overdraft fee a couple of days ago when in my daily account checks I never once saw the account dip. Honestly, never. The four bank people that I spoke with all told me that my account briefly, all but for a couple of hours. dipped to a negative number when my electronic garbage bill went through. Apparently, my deposit from Larry (his financial assistance for my bringing his brother and family to the state fair...it's a long story) didn't kick in for a few hours. Because my online account only showed black and no red on my end, I never saw the few hours that the bank "paid my garbage bill" (their words.....THEY paid my garbage bill), they allow themselves to collect $37 anyway.

After making a stink about this, adding my claim that I have been checking my account every morning, which is the truth, they offered a fee reversal of $19 which I took, irritatedly.

I still don't like banks, but at least it's good to know that I'm not afraid of them anymore.

33/332: Bank error...or is it?

It's the Sunday before I go back to school to teach. I'm a little depressed about the summer break ending, but only a little bit depressed. Truth is, I'm lucky to be gainfully employed at a job that I like. That's the truth. I feel blessed, and a bit lazy is all.

That said, I do have a score to settle with my bank. For the past month, I have been checking my account every day religiously including yesterday afternoon. After a day of shopping for school clothes with my daughter, I came home and checked my email and accounts.

There it was. An insufficient funds fee for $37, only my account HAS NOT had insufficient funds for four weeks. I know, because I've checked every single day. Those creeps. Bastards. I really hate banks.

Of course after dialing the bank's number yesterday, I got the message saying to call back during normal business hours. Oh, don't worry, I'm gonna call first thing on Monday.

I wonder if this bank has created some kind of algorithm that predicts consumer obliviousness which allows random withdrawals from unsuspecting customers. I am actually cynical enough to believe that this could be possible. I have heard that some banks have created computer systems for themselves that place the largest check or withdrawal in front of smaller checks and withdrawals, thereby creating more insufficient funds charges from customers that don't check their accounts. Banks are greedy bastards.

So on Monday morning, my plan is to call and set everything straight, and if they give me a song and a dance, I will ask to speak with a manager and ask them to PAY ME an additional $37 for taking up my time and energy. It won't work, I know that, but I would like them to know that someone is always watching them.

29/336: Checking my checking

I've been blogging for almost one month, and it has helped me feel better. That was part of my intent. The other part was to start better habits to lower my debt and help me feel more able to provide for my kids on a month to month basis.

It's just a baby step, but the fact that I am now logging on to my checking account DAILY and WITH EASE and no upset stomach is a huge milestone. For me.

When I wake up in the morning, I put the dog out, make my coffee, turn on Charlie Rose, and log on to my laptop. News headlines, entertainment tidbits, my personal email, my work email....and then I check my checking account. It's now part of my morning routine. And it's just nice to know EXACTLY what I have, what I've spent, and that I've planned well. No surprises, all is well. All is in the black, too. That is a big thing for me.

I want to vow to myself (am I good at vows? I guess we'll see....) that I'll check my account regularly if not every day. I want to add to my financial confidence. I want payday to be something more than a transition period between a full account and an empty one. I want to get to the point where I can do the following:

1) I want to really have an emergency savings account, not just the tip jar on my dresser
2) I want to be able to have a little more left over each pay period for fun spending with my kids

That's not too much to ask of myself, so I just have to stay the course.

I'm feeling grateful this morning for this first month of financial reflection. Let it be so for the next eleven.

27/338: Annual credit reports

I did it. I called to get my free annual credit report from all three credit reporting companies.

My gut is in knots, but I also feel a bit relieved. The only thing that will be more difficult than sending away for my reports is actually reading the reports. I will need to buy some wine and visit this site early and often to post my fear and anxiety.

This is tough for me. I no longer want to be so ignorant of my financial picture, and I want my issues to be shown the light of day. It's almost one of those "gotta hold someone's hand" moments.

I may have to call a friend when that day comes. And I guess there's always a Tuesday night DA meeting waiting for me if I need it.

Today, after I publish this very post, I will go back to my original posts and "check off" that I've sent away for my reports. I have two to three weeks to sweat it out until I force myself to tear open the envelope(s).

26/239: Dealing with Dad

Sunday phone calls from each of my parents are normally no big deal. But today, Dad called wanting to know when he could help me buy a new car. This is a conversation that I've been dreading for a long while.

My parents, brothers, family and friends don't know how bad my credit is. A discussion about credit scores is not a normal topic of conversation. It could be one of our last taboo subjects, and maybe it needs to come out of the shadows and into the light. But just not by me....right now.

Dad wants to come down and test drive Ford cars with me, and then he wants to help with a down payment. In all honesty, I don't think that my local Ford dealership will honor a deal with me. My credit isn't good enough, or at least that's what I assume. I've got late payments, a student loan that has been in default, but is about to come out of default next month, and still a lot of unsecured debt to pay off.

I'm just not ready to have all of that dirty laundry come out in the open.

Dad is a self made man, wealthy, comfortable, and above all, judgmental. He will judge me. He will ask uncomfortable questions. He will say, "how did you get yourself into this mess?" and I won't have a very good answer. It took me a lot of years to get into my debt, and it will take me a lot of time to get out of it.

Unfortunately, my dad and I aren't emotionally close enough for me to share my deepest pain with. We just don't work that way. I don't always feel like my feelings are safe with him and I don't know why. It's that judgmental thing again.

I don't exactly know how to handle all of this. I need a newer (not new new) car, but his help with a down payment could really save me a few thousand dollars. I want a Chevy Cruze but he will only spring for a Ford car. I wouldn't mind talking about a car loan from a loan specialist that deals with sub prime credit, but my dad wouldn't hear of it. I'm stuck.

I want so badly to be free of this torture and just come clean, but it's too risky. Maybe I'll have a revelation in a day or so. Until then, I'll just continue to plan for the upcoming school year and look forward to more of the last episodes of Breaking Bad, my escape mechanism.

21/344: Only three weeks?

It seems like I've been whining on this blog for months, but only 21 days? Here I go again...

First, the bad news:

1. I need to look at my credit report, and I'm dreading it.
2. I need to discuss buying or leasing a newer car with a dealer, and I'm dreading that, too.
3. I know that I'll have to make a car choice, and if my choice isn't a Ford, then my dad will make me feel awful. Yep, dread is ensuing as I type this.
4. I'm worried about how I'm going to stretch my cash this week and next if I don't make more hours and more tips at Skinny's. So far, Monday was a bust. 
5. Except for the fact that I always feel like my clothes are feeling tighter, and today is no exception, that's all the major money bad news for now.

Now, the good news. It's always better to end on a high note:

1. Checking account, still in the black! Check!
2. No surprise debits or emergency expenses have occurred this week, so that's good.
3. Kids haven't begged to go shopping for school supplies yet, so yay for me.
4. I've been enjoying feeling like a small part of a larger Google community. I've joined a couple of personal finance groups, and people have responded to me about my blog. That feels good. 
5. When I finish here, I plan to ask a Google community person if having sub prime credit is a life long sentence, or is there hope for me?
6. And finally, my children and I have been enjoying our last two weeks of summer freedom with high spirits, minimal insults and injuries, and good humor. I'm lucky.

19/346: Dealing with Mom

I usually call Mom on Sundays to chat about how our respective weeks went. She is retired and living the life of Riley with lots of friends and activities, and the ability to slow down and relax whenever she wants to.

Today is Sunday, so I called her after dinner. Mom sounded relaxed and upbeat in spite of the fact that the city made her prune her corner bushes with a nasty letter, and her accountant screwed up the numbers and informed her this week that she owes $5,000 in back taxes. Wow, what a week.

When it was my turn to relay our week's events, I chirped merrily about my new very part time job at Skinny's Pub. I mentioned that I'm enjoying myself and it's only about 4-5 hours per week. I might even decide to work one evening a week when the school year begins, which will be just enough. Most of all, the money is nice to have in my pocket.

Silence on the other end of the phone. "I see. Hmmmm, I see," she replied. Skepticism, surprise maybe, doubt that my choice to work more is a good idea. I don't know. What I gathered was that she is worried for me. She thinks I'm overworked as a single mother as it is. This probably isn't good news to her, but she's trying to hide her concern.

I guess she has a point, but these kinds of conversations with Mom can become uncomfortable quickly. They occasionally lead up to her inevitable question, "Do you need me to send you money?"

No, I don't need her to send me any unearned money. I'm not in dire straits. That's not what this is about. It's about being self sufficient, of righting my own wrongs of racking up too much debt, of not learning my financial lessons earlier in life. I'm not looking for pity, sympathy, or a hand out. At all. But a little praise and moral support would be nice.

I tried to reassure her that all is well, that I'm only handling what I can manage, and that it's only a temporary arrangement. The hours are short, the money is helpful, and the kids are fine. I'm fine, we're fine. It's all good.

I realized upon hanging up the phone that my diligence in writing this journal, keeping myself accountable in front of other readers, and planning my future better are part of my M.O. I think I just need to prove something to myself. I need to come out of the other end with the satisfaction that I didn't stay in a dysfunctional, debt ridden marriage, but rather made some positive changes on behalf of the welfare of me and my family. I want Mom, Dad, brothers and their families, friends, and my own kids to see me as the gal that took the reins and didn't give up. I want to be "the resilient one". That's all.

My kids got up from the dinner table tonight as they always do....full and unable to eat another bite. We had more than enough good food on the table tonight, and every night. That makes a mother like me feel happy. I did good. I will continue to do well.

18/347: Plan to avoid overdrafts

I calculated my expenses and what will come out of yesterday's paycheck. I added the trip to Leeann Chin for the kids' "back from summer camp welcome dinner" at $14.00 and my nephew's birthday present magazine subscription for $15.00. Anticipating that I'll use my tip money from Skinny's to buy food for next week, it looks as though I'll be negative $96.00 by the time my student loan payment is automatically debited.

My plan? I'll pay $85.00 as a regularly planned monthly payment to one of my credit cards, and then pay Max's fall soccer fees with the card. Then, I'll ask Larry if he'll cover me $85.00 in cash. (He usually agrees to pay sports and activity fees when they come up seasonally because I pay $73 every month for both kids' musical instruments for a whopping $876 on my end.) Finally I'll just call the gas card company on Monday and tell them to cancel the scheduled auto debit of $13, and I'll just mail in the amount so that it arrives at their office before my next paycheck in thirteen days.

With this plan, and if I vow to only pay in cash (from my wallet and from the savings jar), I should make it with no overdraft fees on my checking account.

I vow to check my account online each and every morning so that there are no surprises or omissions. I have to be disciplined, I need to be honest with my kids about what we can and cannot buy, and I need to be kind to myself.

17/348: That familiar sinking feeling

I was awakened this morning at 4:00am by the crashing sound of a truck being loaded with...whatever, I have no idea. Crash, beep, beep, crash. What were they doing so early that couldn't wait until dawn? Have no idea if the sound was coming from up the street or down the street, but at this hour, the sound was unwelcome. It gave me the eery assumption that maybe a neighbor's car was being repossessed, or maybe the roofing materials left outside at the Simpson's home were being lifted. It gave me a sick, sinking feeling in my gut. The feeling that reminds me that we are all vulnerable, that things that normally provide us with a sense of security can just be taken if we're not using all of our senses to protect them. Weird.

What made matters worse for me at this early hour was the cold, fall air creeping in from a bedroom window left open a crack overnight. I reached for my comforter to cover my bare shoulders, and then pet the dog that was snuggling closer to me. Feeling that physical reminder that fall was in the air was not a comforting thought this time. And then a rush of worry came over me. I felt panicky that although yesterday I was practically giddy with pride that I had survived yet another payment schedule and today was payday, the good feeling would be fleeting. Today, I must pay bills online and over the phone, calculate what is exactly left, and then figure out how I would manage my money for the next 13 days.

As I lay there in bed, I felt my insides crush as if someone had just kicked me. That familiar sinking feeling that the next, unavoidable back to school shopping session would make me feel broke like it did last year. I will have to say "no" to certain items, and I will inevitably share the sinking "poor" feeling with my kids. I hate it when I have to reiterate to them our "situation", that it's "temporary", and remind them for the umpteenth time that "we're a lucky family because Mommy has a job and we can pay our bills for the things that we need." I've told my kids over and over, ad nauseum, that we should be grateful that we can afford the things we "need", just not always the things we want.

I am tired of myself saying those things. After this year of really looking at my spending, I want to be better able to buy comforts that my kids and I want, too. I want to will that day to come. I can be patient, I can wait. I just need to feel some hope that it will come eventually. I want this sick feeling to go away as fast as it came.

I didn't fall back asleep when the truck sounds stopped. Instead, I got up with the dog, poured him some kibble and fresh water, then took out my laptop and my budget and went to work. I paid the phone bill, electric and gas, one credit card, and my son's last dental bill with my HSA account. Then, I began to write this blog post as a means to find solace in just writing out my feelings.

I have two more weeks of summer break until I will have to begin my next teaching year. I never dread this time for the reasons that others may imagine, but I do wish that I had more relaxing, ruminating time before I am back on that fast paced, working mom treadmill again.

Now that I've written a little bit this morning, that yucky feeling has simmered down a bit, but it hasn't gone away completely. I'll feel better, but I don't know when. Maybe in a couple of hours when I've had my caffeine, maybe in a day or two. Either way, my goal for today is to open up my awareness of little things that bring me comfort and gratitude and to share that gratitude with another person, friend or family member. I want to feel that in the midst of doubt that I'll have enough money these next couple of weeks, I still have reasons to feel happy, glad, content, satisfied, but mostly lucky. The reasons are there, I know that they are. It's just too dark to see at the present moment.

16/349: By the skin of my teeth

...I will just "get by" for the next two weeks. That's not a bad thing. I'm feeling triumphant and effective in sticking with my budget this week. As of today, the good news includes the following:

1. Tomorrow is payday! Yay!
2. My checking account is in the black! No overdrafts this time! It's the little things that make me happy.
3. My boss at Skinny's asked me to work two shifts next week. With an earning average of $15 per hour, hopefully I'll rake in between $60-$75.
4. I've got $20 cash and some change in my wallet right now.
5. I have $66.00 in my savings jar as of today. 
6. The collection agency that is helping me to pay my student loan called today. They reminded me that since I've successfully paid my bill nine consecutive months, I will not only qualify to leave the agency and return directly to the loan lender, but will also have $10,400 in charges and fees dropped in September. I am so proud of myself for biting the bullet and chipping away at this damn student loan!

After paying all of my planned bills tomorrow, I'll have $123.57 left to use for gas, groceries, maybe some initial school supplies, and other incidentals. This is going to be a challenge, but after this successful week, I'm up for it. 

14/351: Tip Jar

It's the first day of camp for my two kids, so I have the whole week to myself to do as I please. My plan is to catch up on reading and writing, exercise, walk the dog, not clean floors, go to bed late, wake up late, not spend any money, perhaps attend my first DA meeting, and pick up some hours at Skinny's Pub.

Last night at Skinny's was a short two hour shift during dinnertime. Based on my first night there, I was expecting slim pickin's, especially in the tip jar. But surprises do happen. In just two and a half hours, I made $36 combined in wages and tips. Imagine if I had worked an eight hour shift on an equally busy night. I would have potentially made about $120 in one shift, and that ain't half bad. Tips do make a girl feel good.

When I got home, I put all of my earnings into my personal, plastic tip jar on my dresser. Then I poured myself some cold, white wine, plopped in a couple of extra ice cubes, and relaxed with the dog and a stupid final episode of the Bachelorette, a show I never make time to watch because it's so sanitized and phony. A little bit of good bad television (programs you can pick apart and feel superior to) after being on your feet waiting tables is a welcome thing sometimes, so who cares?

Good first day alone....I'm making this work.

12:353: iTunes

I caved in to a need to be entertained. I only had $10 in my checking account, but I went onto iTunes to download one episode of season 3 Louie. I really wanted to see the episode with Maria Bamford and Parker Posey, so I spent $3, and now I'm down to $7 in my account, $5 cash in my wallet, a $20 bill that I hope to save in a jar on top of my dresser, and no credit.

It's important that as I write about my feelings about not having money, I have to also examine my feelings associated with spending money. What goes through my mind before I decide to spend the little that I do have?

Question: What makes you spend the way you do?

I have to admit that I didn't make a good choice today. As much as I love the show, I have to say "no" to myself when I feel the need to impulse shop, even though it was only three dollars. If I say "no" to the kids as often as I do, then I have to do the same for myself. I can read a good book or just listen to music if my favorite show is going to cost money.

With the kids away at camp starting tomorrow, I have to figure out a way to keep my money in tact for only an emergency gallon of gas or milk. I have $12, so I'd better just buck up and face the music.

I wish I had another episode to watch.

11/354: Car shopping

Car shopping online is easy. Just the thought of actually going to a dealership, however, makes me nauseous. I fear the over zealous sales staff, the sexism, the credit check, the rejection, and, of course the sticker shock.

I've bought four cars in my life. The first two were with private owners, and I paid no more than $900 for each. I was 25 years old when my dad helped me with a down payment of my 3rd car. I was 33 years old when I bought my last car with my husband as co owner. He paid the down payment because he had driven my Ford Escort into the ground when his old Mercedes clunker died, but I made all of the payments.

Now, my family and I need a reliable car to replace our falling apart Volvo. This time, the buyer is just me.

Last week, Larry and I finally got around to transferring the Volvo's title to me alone. It will take about a month for me to receive the new title in the mail, and then I can trade it in for a newer car. The trade in won't be worth that much, but it will be nice to pass this old car along.

This morning I decided to face my fear of car shopping and just drive to the nearby Ford dealership. I walked casually around the outside sales, looked, and mulled things over. The first few rows of cars were the newer, more expensive models. Nice eye candy, but out of my price range.

I promised myself that I only had to look and soak in what I saw. I didn't have to please a sales associate, and I certainly wouldn't step onto that quickly moving conveyer belt of sales. Only looking for now, but thank you. Sure, I'll take your card, thanks again. I'll give you a call when I'm ready.

Funnily, even though I didn't want to be accosted by a sales guy, I wondered after about ten minutes why no one had even approached me on such a slow sales day. Hmmmm, guess no one is desperate for a sale today. Guess that's good for me, no pest to tell me what I should buy and how soon. Sale will end soon, so hurry.

Finally, a gentle, older salesman slowly walked up to me, perhaps not wanting to scare me away. He must have done his research about female shoppers....we don't like to be bullied into buying. He didn't even introduce himself right away, but rather asked if I had any questions with an unassuming, friendly smile. He kept a good distance from me at first, not making me feel overpowered. Silly, huh? Interestingly, I found myself doing most of the talking. I mentioned my "just looking", but then followed up with my "waiting for my title to come in the mail", and then "my brother and dad are Ford guys". I know I said too much, but at least I wasn't hyperventilating. I actually felt comfortable with this unpretentious guy.

The salesman, Ron, didn't point out any cars for me to see but rather walked alongside me as I directed myself to a couple of nearby certified preowned cars, all the while listening to me and answering my questions earnestly and never with a hint of sales thirst. He then handed me his card and invited me to call him if I had any further questions. I told him that I would do that, thank you. Nice guy. I was relieved.

Forcing myself to drive to the scary dealership was a worthwhile exercise in facing my fears. I need a car, and I can't allow myself to stay trapped in the house from fear of rejection. It was a valuable lesson.

10/355: Choices

Two nights ago, Max asked me if his neighbor buddy could sleepover. I said, "sure". The neighbor went back to his house to ask permission, but then returned saying, "My mom says that I made bad choices today, so I can't sleep over." Hmmmm, bad choices, eh? We all do them sometimes. Something to think about I guess.

Max got his bike stolen a couple of months ago. He hasn't harped to get a new bike, but I've been tired watching him sit on the couch on a nice summer day playing video games. Knowing that he still had about $130 in birthday money leftover, I suggested that we check out a neighborhood bike shop to see what they have. Just window shopping, no real purchasing. Max was cool with that. He is aware of my cash flow issue.

We saw that their bikes were top end, averaging about $350, but it was a worthwhile visit nevertheless. The sales guy, who looked like a serious bike man himself, spent a lot of time with us sizing up specific bikes and seat heights with Max and even sharing their trade in policies, just in case we wanted to make their shop our regular bike shop. Those bikes looked very high quality and I'm sure worth the price, but I could only imagine myself putting away $10 at a time in an envelope to buy at Christmastime. It's an idea. In fact, it would be really cool to see his face light up on Christmas morning, much like when he was 4 or 5 years old.

I felt that familiar feeling of not being the kind of provider that I wish I could be for my kids, the kind that can plop down a credit card any old time and help bring an instant smile to my kids' faces. But I'm a different kind of mom. A wait and save kind. Boring.

Even though Max seemed fine and wasn't bothered by not leaving with a bike, he never expected to do so, I felt a strong urge to suggest that we walk to the nearby Dairy Queen to get Blizzards for him and his sister back home. And, of course, a mini sized Blizzard for me. It was only a $10 expense, but it made me think that I just negated the lesson about saving that I was trying to instill. Isn't taking out $10 every time you want ice cream a good way to keep savings goals far from reach? Wouldn't it have been a better lesson to instead buy a couple of 50 cent cups of lemonade from the kid on the corner and save $9 for the cool bike?

I'm such a dork. That would have been the much better choice, but instead I spent money that I shouldn't have to assuage my own feelings. The ice cream was an emotional purchase.

I hope that in the future I'm a lot more mindful the next time I am faced with guilt. I need to buck up and just suck it up, knowing, well, at least hoping, that I'm doing the best job that I can in raising kids that have better relationships with their feelings and money.

9/356: Sappy Gratitude

Happiness is elusive, so I think it's important for me to acknowledge to myself why I feel good.

• well slept
• good night last night, watching "Escape from Planet Earth" and eating hot fudge sundaes with the kids
• checking account balance STILL in the black!!!
• no auto debit bills on the horizon this week
• payday is in 8 days!
• almost done with my summer school work
• meet ups with friends and family on the horizon
• feeling healthy and that my family's needs are met as of today

I am grateful for feeling good this morning.